reconnecting again

Every day is an adventure for each day is different. I just realized how hormones (being pregnant at that) and "Dr. Phil-ish" Oprah episodes transform my state of being from sad to happy, confused to bored. The entry I have written two nights ago is different from what I am thinking right now. Call it schizophrenia creeping in, but that's how it is going these past few months. That's why every day is an adventure for me.


Sometimes I wake up feeling all crappy and depressed, and the next day I feel energetically charged like I'm popping up happy pills. Thanks to Oprah though, I was able to move on from the stuck-in-a-bubble feeling, as I was feeling nights before. Well, the episode was about living a lie, not being able to face the reality of life - where we live in fantasy land, where we take pictures of happy moments, but we fail to see what's behind the picture, what happened before or after that picture.


Reality check: every day is not a red-carpet day. There are times when we refuse to face the fact that we have problems. We live a lie, we put up a front and say we're happy, we're not in debt, we're not alcoholic, drug addicts or whatever, because we hate seeing ourselves be defeated. That was what I was doing the whole time, I'm afraid to admit to myself that I failed again. I've done my share of bullying my classmates in elementary, stealing money from my mother and sister in high school, dropping out of my classes in my first year in college, getting myself addicted to alcohol and smokes, trying drugs at the age of 18. I didn't have the guts to tell myself I was wrong, because for me that's the good life, and that's how things are supposed to go.


When I managed to keep my life on track, I failed again, I got pregnant this time. I'm supposed to graduate this October, but I won't be able to because I'm going to take some time off school for one sem. For some time, I was in denial. I always thought things are going to be okay, that this is okay, and I would be able to handle it without any difficulty. As days go by though, I'm starting to feel the pressure and the heavy weight of responsibility on my shoulder.


This is the punch I'm waiting for to wake up, and start living and handling things more realistically and responsibly. Now, I acknowledge the fact that I failed, and that I took upon myself a huge responsibility, and that is a responsibility over someone else's life. Yes, I am going to lose half of the life I was living, and offer half of it to this little angel inside my womb. Things will never be the same again, the pictures I took a few years ago are just fragments of my past. The thing is, I'm not a child anymore... I will be having one. Even if it is a struggle to adjust from the happy-go-lucky life I was living to this life full of responsibilities, I would stand and accept it with open arms.


The thing is, this is the life I am in right now, and I'm not about to escape from it. I feel there is something special in store for me. Indeed, there is someone special kicking inside of me, and I'm happy about it. It's time to move on, this is my life... and again, I am happy.