Saturday, June 2, 2007

on death

I received a message this afternoon from a friend of mine whom I haven't talked to for quite a long time now.

Her father passed away this morning.

It was frustrating to not know what to say nor what to do to keep her spirits up because if I was in her shoes, I know no words could take the pain of loss away.

I fear death. I fear pain. I fear sadness. Whenever I pray, I always ask God not to take away the people I love most. People would always say God is the one person we can run to when no one else is around, God will listen to you and He will do everything that's best for you and all that. Sometimes though, God allows horrible things to happen even if we prayed all day and all night for such things not to come our way. That is why I am afraid.

I can't imagine how my life would be like if I lost someone. I can't say if I would be able to handle it. I don't know if I would be able to move on. I'm not sure if I can hold on and be strong, as what I have told my friend this afternoon. Sad. Really sad. I just hope God gives us answers, God gives us explanations as to why He would allow terrible things to happen. I hope God gives us the strength to move on.

I don't know what's going to happen after a minute, an hour... tomorrow, and the next day. I guess I have to keep reminding myself every morning when I wake up to spend each day as if it was my last.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

not as cold summer nights

If it were not for the inconvenient sleeping habits of my unborn child, I would have dozed off to sleep two hours ago. I have read that most babies inside the womb are active at night. That, unfortunately explains the "sleepless nights" for pregnant women.

Well, not only have I been reading articles about pregnancy and the newborn child, I also have engaged myself in searching for income-generating "projects" I can do at home. I am lucky though I had a mother who loves doing research. She suggested I start-up a loading business. It was a perfect idea, since it was something I can do at home and it doesn't require much "movement." All I need to do is use my thumb!

We looked up the website of LoadXtreme, run by Portal Innovation Corp. They offer a one-sim-load-all business where you can sell over-the-air load and prepaid load, game, internet and phone cards at the same time. The good thing about it is that it doesn't require a high capital, you can do transactions over the internet, and that rest assured you would generate money out of it since almost everyone nowadays own cellphones. You get the idea.

The good: I've been doing business since April, and so far, it has been rewarding. Considering that I haven't opened up to a wide market range yet, because the owner of the apartment won't allow the tenants to post anything "business-y" up front, and because of my condition, I haven't gone out to publicly open up my business. (You see, I stay home and I love staying home, because I'm really, really heavy. Even walking turned out to be grueling task!) I have only been selling to family members, my partner's family, and myself of course. AND considering that it's so easy run, I don't even need to tire myself for it. The bad: Sometimes though, they run system maintenance, so you can't carry out any transactions. But you only need to wait for a couple of hours before they restore their service.

So, if you're not at all busy... meaning, if you're like me, heating your ass off all day sitting on the couch, doing nothing at all, it would be best if you tried venturing into this kind of business. Why not make money out of your being a couch potato?

Sunday, April 29, 2007

the gift of another life

My 21st birthday wasn't at all that big of a deal. I woke up yesterday at about ten in the morning knowing I'm already 21 and that it's no reason for a big celebration. When you think about it, birthdays are supposed to remind you to count all the blessing you have been receiving and to thank God for it. The celebrating comes a year after, before your next birthday, when you look back and see all the wonderful things you accomplished and realize that you have lived the year meaningfully. That, for me, is the real essence of birthdays.

Before I look forward to my 21st year, there are plenty of things about my 20th year that I have to thank God for. I finished the summer class and the entire school year with flying colors, I had the chance to be of service to other students (though that one was short lived and I must say not much of a success), I passed the Civil Service Exam, I'm having a baby with a wonderful, wonderful partner, I never lost anyone I love, I found peace in getting acquainted with my true self, and with that I learned a lot of things about life and I am somehow enlightened, I don't ask unanswerable questions, rather I am more accepting of how difficult life can be, of how it is in its true sense. I pray to never lose strength and to not forget all the things I have learned. I pray for a fruitful 21st year, and I'm looking forward to celebrating it before I turn 22.

Friday, April 20, 2007

as to relationships 2

If you would ask me what I know of love and romantic relationships, I would say that love, like any living thing on this earth, is grown through time.

"What is love?"

Just as I have written in my previous entry, this is one of the questions we ask rather so often. It is because love is one of the gray matters of life. Love is what we seek to understand because it is beyond our control. We love, even if we are not loved. We love, and we get hurt. In effect, we want answers to enlighten our minds, and consequently make it a form of control to avoid the stings of love.

Just when I got tired of asking anything of this matter, the mystery of it came clear to me, and I didn't have to look further to see what it is really about. As I have said, love is grown through time. Just like any other living thing on earth, it also follows stages.

I believed in the idyllic form of love. I had in my head an idea of a perfect man who would someday find me. We would fall in love, spend romantic moments together, bla bla bla bla bla. (What was I thinking?!) As far as I have gone with my life, I now have come to realize what love is all about. I feel it every night when I go to bed, and knowing who I am going to wake up to the next day.

Before having our baby, we had this love-hate relationship. We used to fight about a lot of things, and these fights would always end in break-ups. For some reason though, we always found a way to get back together. We had a shaky relationship to begin with because we didn't know each other that well. As time passed by, these fights happened less and less, and we found ourselves enjoying our time with each other. We started talking about a lot of things to try to get to know each other. Through the process, we became friends. I couldn't think of anything to describe what we have though, all I know is that we're partners.

It's true, there's no such thing as a perfect match.
There's two people who are willing to hold on to each other to mold their relationship into perfection. Love is wanting to be with a person, to spend even the longest, most difficult moments for you to create a relationship that will mature through time.

All I can say is that,
"I'm more than happy I stayed with you." Yihee.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

the need to understand

We ask so many questions - because we don't understand and we want to understand certain things in our lives. We ask so many questions - because we hate being in the dark, we refuse to accept that we do not own our lives and we can not control what's going to happen next.

There was this guy in my Asian and African Lit class who asked the professor why there are a lot of things in the world that must be learned, yet most of these things we cannot seem to understand; and there are so many questions to be asked, yet most of it are left unanswered. I agree though, that most of us seek answers to our life questions. We ask why we're here, who created us, why unfortunate things happen to us, why we suffer, why we cry, why we lose the people we love, why can't we be happy, and all the why's in the world. We ask a lot of questions, but at the back of our minds, we know we're not gonna get any answers.

We ask these questions out of frustration. We ask these questions out of frustration because we hate being out of control, we hate not knowing what's going to happen next, we hate to suffer, we hate to die, we hate to lose people we love. We want answers to these questions because we want to know how we can get a hold of everything that's going to happen.

I know a lot of people have grown tired of asking the same questions time and time again, and so have I. I have come to the realization that I don't own my life, God does, and He's going to do what he wants with it. Sometimes it's better to sit back and relax, and live the life you have; live the life God has given you. Do not ask for anything more, just be thankful you had the chance to experience the gift of life. Be thankful that anything can happen. It's better right? It's better than "nothing will ever happen."

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

reconnecting again

Every day is an adventure for each day is different. I just realized how hormones (being pregnant at that) and "Dr. Phil-ish" Oprah episodes transform my state of being from sad to happy, confused to bored. The entry I have written two nights ago is different from what I am thinking right now. Call it schizophrenia creeping in, but that's how it is going these past few months. That's why every day is an adventure for me.

Sometimes I wake up feeling all crappy and depressed, and the next day I feel energetically charged like I'm popping up happy pills. Thanks to Oprah though, I was able to move on from the stuck-in-a-bubble feeling, as I was feeling nights before. Well, the episode was about living a lie, not being able to face the reality of life - where we live in fantasy land, where we take pictures of happy moments, but we fail to see what's behind the picture, what happened before or after that picture.

Reality check: every day is not a red-carpet day. There are times when we refuse to face the fact that we have problems. We live a lie, we put up a front and say we're happy, we're not in debt, we're not alcoholic, drug addicts or whatever, because we hate seeing ourselves be defeated. That was what I was doing the whole time, I'm afraid to admit to myself that I failed again. I've done my share of bullying my classmates in elementary, stealing money from my mother and sister in high school, dropping out of my classes in my first year in college, getting myself addicted to alcohol and smokes, trying drugs at the age of 18. I didn't have the guts to tell myself I was wrong, because for me that's the good life, and that's how things are supposed to go.

When I managed to keep my life on track, I failed again, I got pregnant this time. I'm supposed to graduate this October, but I won't be able to because I'm going to take some time off school for one sem. For some time, I was in denial. I always thought things are going to be okay, that this is okay, and I would be able to handle it without any difficulty. As days go by though, I'm starting to feel the pressure and the heavy weight of responsibility on my shoulder.

This is the punch I'm waiting for to wake up, and start living and handling things more realistically and responsibly. Now, I acknowledge the fact that I failed, and that I took upon myself a huge responsibility, and that is a responsibility over someone else's life. Yes, I am going to lose half of the life I was living, and offer half of it to this little angel inside my womb. Things will never be the same again, the pictures I took a few years ago are just fragments of my past. The thing is, I'm not a child anymore... I will be having one. Even if it is a struggle to adjust from the happy-go-lucky life I was living to this life full of responsibilities, I would stand and accept it with open arms.

The thing is, this is the life I am in right now, and I'm not about to escape from it. I feel there is something special in store for me. Indeed, there is someone special kicking inside of me, and I'm happy about it. It's time to move on, this is my life... and again, I am happy.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

as to relationships

I can't think of a word to describe the relationship I have with my mother. All these years, until last night, I would say we don't know each other that well. Being a single mom, she had to do everything all by herself. She worked during the weekdays, and did all the household chores on weekends. She hired someone to watch me when she wasn't around. Sometimes, she took me to work. I had a collection of miniature farm animals, and I remember playing with them underneath my mother's office table.

When I started attending school, she would help me with my lessons and assignments. She always made time for that even with her busy schedule, usually before or after dinnertime. I would show her my math assignment - I admit, I'm a little slow when it comes to numbers - and she would teach me all the mathematic crap until I understood how the alignment of decimal points mattered in basic operations.

During my second year in high school, she went abroad for a scholarship grant. She stayed there for two years, and only came back during sem breaks. When she came back, she decided to quit her job here in the Philippines and go back abroad to work, where the big bucks are. After three years, she came back for good.

When she came back, it felt a little weird talking to her. It seemed like we don't know each other. At times she treated me like I was the same little girl she left when she went abroad. At times, I treated her like she wasn't my mom at all. For me, she was a stranger.

After sometime though, we started to warm up to each other. I know she acknowledges the fact that I'm already 20, and not 15. She lets me decide on my own, she talks to me about politics, grown-up topics and all. I also have my own share of adjustments. I talk to her about my plans, my partner. Just last night, I realized how time has changed our relationship.

Just last night I realized I should let go of all the anger, blame, and doubts I am feeling. It's time to move on, and create happy memories together. God, I'm praying for good health and a long life for my mother. I love you mama!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

severing connections

I've created several blog accounts since blogging became the in thing, but none of it lasted for more than a year. For some reason, I have lost interest in writing. Hmmm... Well, maybe it was because of the fact that there was nothing new to write about. Every entry is satiated with negativity, and even I as the author grew tired of it.

Yet here I am again. I have created a new blog account, hoping this would be the last blog I will be creating. Hmmm... Let's see... let's see.

There comes a time - not just once, not just twice, but for several times - in our life when we experience difficulties we cannot seem to get out of no matter how we relentlessly try. We look around and we see everyone living on play, while we seem to be trapped inside a bubble where we aimlessly float in slow motion. No one sees nor hears you. No one's there to, uhm... burst your bubble...?

That is exactly how I am feeling right at this moment. I feel like I've been permanently rid off the face of the earth. I don't have a name, nobody knows me. Everything I had, I have lost. I look at some of my pictures taken years before. I looked so happy then, yet I couldn't remember why I was happy. I have forgotten everything about the past - the people I have met, the fun things I did, the places I went to, the things I owned... disconnected from the world I knew.... (I sound like a psycho) ever since two red bars appeared in both pregnancy test kits.

Disconnected from the world I knew. I don't know how to keep up. Missing my old happy self, where every moment seemed to be a happy moment; where everyday is my birthday. In just two weeks, I'll be turning 21, and it feels strange that birthdays doesn't mean much to me anymore, not like it used to. All my emotions are mixed up, sometimes I feel so sad looking at all the people around me running around and doing their thing, while I'm stuck in this situation and I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I'm excited to know who I'm going to meet in 2 months. Maybe it's just the raging hormones talking... all I know is that I'm sleepy.

to be continued...